Last night, like most nights, I couldn’t fall asleep and spent the majority of the night tossing and turning in my normal discomfort.
(For those of you who are new around here or don’t know me, I have a level 4 spinal fusion which pretty much means I have my L1-L5 fused together. Honestly, I could try to explain what exactly that is but it’s probably easier to just Google it. I had to get the spinal fusion after a near-death experience in September 2017.)
Being in physical pain and discomfort isn’t something new to me. It’s pretty much all I have known and lived with for the last year and a half since the accident. It has become my new normal and I truly don’t remember what life was like without daily physical pain.
It’s actually crazy how many things I had taken for granted. The tasks that were once so meaningless to me, have become some of my biggest frustrations. I’m talking about the simplest of things: leaning over the sink to wash my face or brush my teeth at the sink, trying to put my shoes or socks on, getting in and out of my car without twisting my body, standing in the kitchen to make food, walking around Target, bending over to get the dishes out of the dishwasher, and really anything involving bending/lifting/walking/standing, but then also like sitting for too long is also a pain, and like fifty million other super small, yet annoying things. And I know these are not big problems to have, trust me I know how lucky I am and filled with so much gratitude to even be able to walk, move and live.
The Invisible Struggle
But, every time I do any of those tasks or feel my back ache it’s a reminder and a flashback to the worst thing to happen to me. With physical pain, comes lots of mental and emotional pain. For me, my physical pain doesn’t let me move on from what happened to me. It follows me around with every step I take and there hasn’t been a day since the accident that I haven’t thought about it or had flashbacks. I mean it also doesn’t help that I see a COTA bus multiple times throughout the day but like whatever, I guess. Anyways, the point is I know that I look great (I can say this because I mean a very large bus ran over my very little body) BUT just because I look great does not mean I always feel great. I think the one thing people always say to me “I can’t believe you are fine now”. Like bruhhhh, I got run over by a bus and remember every second of it, I’m far from fine.
What people mean is I look fine, but please stop saying this to me because I’m not always all that fine. What you don’t see are the scars that remind me of the accident every time I go to shower or change my clothes. You don’t see the x-rays of my curved spine that causes me pain every single day or the uncertainty of what my future medical needs will be like. You can’t feel the numbness of the skin on my lower back and my left thigh. You don’t cringe at the flashbacks of being underneath a moving bus. And I hope that you never have to experience any of these things.
I’m not saying this to make you feel bad if you have said this to me. You wouldn’t really have known any of this. On social media, I usually just post my best moments, my happy memories. I do think it’s good to be open and transparent though. It’s okay to not be okay all the time. It’s normal to have invisible struggles. I just hope that people realize that just because someone seems fine, it doesn’t always mean that they are. Look after your friends and the people you love who might be struggling more than you think. And if you are struggling don’t be afraid to talk to someone or open up. You will be surprised how many people can relate in some way and willing to be there for you.
Although my accident and recovery has been a huge struggle for me, it has also made me appreciate life and the good people around me. I have a lot more to overcome, but this experience is pushing me to become the best version of myself and to continue to live life to the fullest. None of us are guaranteed a tomorrow, so who gives a shit what anyone else says or thinks. Have fun and go after whatever it is in life you want.
xoxo
You matter thanks for sharing invinite love and gratitude to you
Thanks for your support <3
All my love!!!
Rene Goldstein
THANK YOU! Miss you!
Your story is so inspiring nee!! Keep sharing all the good and all the bad ✨💪🏼
This is so inspiring. Dealing with invisible illness is so tough and isolating. I have no doubt that this post and your story is making others feel less alone <3
I hope so! Thank you so much!
I know how much it must hurt you that people get to be comfortable thinking that you´re fine now, while you´re not comfortable at all in your own bruised skin.
I have no idea what it must be like surviving a huge trauma, like the one you have been through but I believe you could turn this around if instead of allowing the physical pain to suck you back into this terrible time in the past, you instead make it remind you of how grateful you are for having a second chance at life and how you know that there are no accidents, only a Plan.
You are a very brave girl for sharing all this and going through it all with a smile on your face.
Congrats!
Thank you so so much for your kind words! It means so much to me. <3
You are strong and must have a great purpose in life. This inspired me. Thanks for sharing your story.
That is so kind of you! Thank you!
Nee, My eyes flew wide open when I started reading your story. Especially when you said pain all day everyday and bending, standing, lifting, etc. I thought you were in my mind. Dear 👼🏼👼🏼👼🏼 the pain I as well endure on the daily. Your story is miraculous. The post trauma is a mind bend in itself. Please don’t dwell in that space too long. 🕯I’ve had three lumber surgeries L4-S1. Degenerative disk disease.
1 botched , 1 bout with MRSA, 1 revision and
1 hardware removal. That hardware was driving me insane, literally! Im grateful I can walk. We have a stack able washer and dryer and getting those heavy clothes it of that bottom washer is going to kill me. But I look good.💟 no one but me can feel what we’re feeling, right?
Sending only love, I will think of you from this day forward precious lady.
⚜♥️ Christina
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this! It makes me feel better that I am not alone and I also have the stackable washers, the worst! It’s little things like that, that people dont realize are part of the daily struggles. Lots of love!
Thank you for your transparency. While my pain is not as traumatic as yours, living with chronic migraines is invisible. Every time I have to miss out on family life I realize that, while it stinks-I have a supportive/helpful/caring husband and kids. Thank you for reminding me to keep that perspective.
I can only imagine how hard that it is <3 Thank you for sharing and taking the time to read my story!
Thanks for sharing! It’s hard having a struggle or pain that others may not be able to see!
Thanks so much for taking the time to read this! Means the world to me!